Here comes Santa Clause/

With promises to keep/

Miles to go before he sleeps/

Just about to take a leap/

Here Comes Santa Clause/

On another Christmas eve/

Coming down the chimney/

So I act like I’m a sleep/

The first thing I hear/ is the toilet flushing/

Guess he’s gotta go/

I was hoping for a Ho-Ho-Ho/

I don’t know/ why I didn’t hear/ running water/

I don’t understand/

How a man/ can go house to house/ without washing his hands/

Now he’s on his tippy toes/ headed for the kitchen/

Steady bitching/ eating cookies/ talking bout/

how that some were missing/

I’m confused/ how he knew/ how many my Mom was fixing/

He heads / to my parent’s room/ so I continue to listen/

He knocks on the door/ On the floor!/ is what my father said/

With a Glock 40/ pointed to his head/

Santa says/ Did you eat my cookies motherfucker?/

Mom hops out of bed/

Then I heard my father cuss/ he shot Santa in the leg/

Now I’m scared/ Unprepared/ will Santa lose his life?/

How this isn’t right/

Under covers like/ will I get gifts tonight?/

Santa might/ have his little helpers fight/

Instead/ He looks at my Dad and says/ “That shit was light”/

Now they fight/

I come down the hall/ and turn on the lights/

Damn it’s bright/

My eyes adjust/ I have better sight/

Chris Kringle hits em with a jab/

Mom pulls out a knife/

STAB! STAB!

Don’t be messing with the Wrights!

I look for the bag/ Santa’s hurting bad/

I look at my Dad/ where’s the stash?/

I need a play station and a little cash/

Then the little helpers came and whupped my father’s ass/

Tonight is really trash/

My father’s mad/ because my Mother laughed/

She made them some cups of coffee/ asked for Santa’s autograph/

He signed/ then Santa asked/ for some half and half/

Please make the cup to go/ magic healed him so/ he is not a rookie/

Sorry Santa/ I’m the one who ate the cookie